An I-Opener Tale
By: CYRiXone
Standard disclaimer: Obviously fictional, but feel free to turn it into a rumor of an actual account.
3/12/00:
A friend of mine told me about this new I-thingie that can be hacked to make it into a computer. I need a new computer, my three-eighty-something is too slow. He gave me a web site address to go to, I went on AOL and put it in.
3/14/00:
After AOL hanging up on me 20 times, I finally got the page to load. What is this "Slashdot - news for nerds"? F^@%#@ them!!! I'll kick their A%#@#% for calling me a nerd! I need to look at some porn now that my masculinity has been threatened - ooh, ooh, one of my pic trading buddies is online!
3/30/00:
My pic trading buddy got kicked off AOL for TOS. I hope I don't get in trouble too, my computer is always saying something about illegal operation when I use AOL. I hate when that happens, I think it's cause my computer sucks, now I gotta look for porn on skinemax.
4/1/00:
I'm flipping channels on TV and there's an ad for an I-Opener - I'll bet that's that hacked computer thing! I call the number and order one. The operator person starts telling me it comes with a TOS. I told him I don't want to get kicked off AOL, my pic trading buddy got kicked off for TOS. I ask him if I can buy it with no TOS, he tells me the TOS isn't for AOL, it's for their service. I'm happy with that, I don't care about their service, I'm going to keep using AOL. I give him my credit card number and my screen name and password just in case he needs it. He seemed surprised.
4/2/00:
My I-Opener isn't here yet, I'm starting to get pissed.
4/3/00:
My I-Opener still isn't here - I call to ask why. A woman answers and tells me it will be here in 10 to 14 days. I thank her and figure I should find something more interesting to do than sit around and wait.
4/4/00:
I found a new pic trading buddy on AOL! I'm happy again.
4/28/00:
Wow, that thing I ordered finally came... What the hell was it? Oh - my I-Opener hacked computer!
I take it out of the box, plug it in and it starts telling me to turn the volume up... It already is up all the way! This thing is stupid. Now it's telling me how to use a keyboard - I'm too smart for this. Now it's doing some update thing. Geez, this thing is slower than my old computer! Okay, wait a second - it wants me to sign up for service. I'm gonna call up my friend and ask how to make this run AOL.
He tells me I need to go to a site... I go there and find out I need a qnxflash thing or I can remove the goo from a chip inside it. Hmm, there's a way to make it connect to my own ISP... What's that? I bet they meant AOL. I type in all the stuff with my AOL phone number, my screen name and password. I don't know what a DNS is so I put in my DOB instead, close enough.
This sucks! It dials, makes noises and then says it can't connect. Maybe it has a cheap modem, I bet my old 2,400 modem is much better - it connects every time.
I give up trying to put a qnxflash on it. I'll just take it apart and remove the goo, maybe that will make it work right. I start taking it apart... Damn this is hard, I'll pull harder. Woops, there's a few screws I forgot, I think I broke the case a little.
I found the chip with the goo and I put some goo gone on it - it didn't work so I tried more goo gone. It STILL didn't work. Now my I-Opener smells like oranges. I hate oranges, I'm gonna put it in the dishwasher to remove the orange smell and maybe it will get the goo off.
My I-Opener is nice and clean now and it doesn't smell like oranges anymore. The goo is still there though. Oh well, if it won't wash off I'll just scrape it off. After a few hours, I finally got all that stuff scraped off. I wonder why everyone called it goo, it was pretty hard.
Now that the goo is gone, I'm gonna put it back together and try it out. Argh, now it doesn't even turn on, damn peice of junk. I'll go to that site and ask how I can fix it.
4/29/00:
Man, everyone on there is rude, they said I should sell it on eBay. I go on AOL, go to the site so I can download a pic of the I-Opener (I don't have a digital camera but I am going to get one soon for cybersex) and put an auction up for it on eBay. I hope someone buys it for a lot of money. I-Openers suck.
